my new year’s resolution is not to make any resolution. this has been the nth year that i said this because this time, i already know myself too much to fake a resolution. i mean if i’ll be honest, the longest i have kept a resolution is probably 2 weeks. so, no more for me. it only made me feel like a total failure in the past, and failing has become utterly boring if i may say so. besides, this is the ONLY resolution i was able to consistently keep ever since i started saying it

to those who are way more disciplined than me and always do their resolutions and make their lives better by doing so, here’s a toast to a good start.

so, here’s to the hopes that 2009 will be a better year for me and my family, and for all of you. love, family, work, money, health…whatever it is that bothered you last year, i hope this year will bother you less or just completely disappear. you know what i mean.

life is too short, we can be here now, gone tomorrow. it’s just better if we have less things to worry about. right?

also, THANK YOU for reading, commenting, emailing. the fact that there are people out there i’ve never met in person but know me in some way through my blogs, increases the sense of belongingness that i do enjoy on a higher level than you might realize.

and shane, thank you. you know why.

this blog triggered emotional ambiguity. to post or not to post it, that has been the question.

on the one hand, i really don’t feel like i should make a big deal out of it, and just keep quiet about it, but on the other hand, i feel obligated to inform you since you have been a part of it indirectly. also, there was a certain high when i held the book for the first time, and saw my name under one of the stories, that it would be a lie if i’ll say i wasn’t excited about this, even for a second. of course, i have to share it.

a few months ago, i was contacted by one of the kaplan people to submit a story. the first email was specifically requesting me to elaborate one of the posts i wrote about a doctor, which they thought would be good for the book “reflections on doctors”. i declined because that particular post was written out of anger and i told them i didn’t want it to be out there, because that doesn’t really reflect the majority of my experiences with doctors.

later, i received another email requesting me to submit a story about death and dying. being an insecured pessimist that i am when it comes to my writing, i didn’t really have the energy to deal with rejection, so i emailed back that i was lazy to write something, but if they are interested, i can send them links to posts i previously written that focused on death and dying. truth was, even when i signed the contract, i still thought it was all a joke, some kind of a prank that some idle people were heartlessly doing to unsuspecting dreamy fools like me.

to make the long story short, they decided to include this story. it is on page 31 of the book “final moments”, which will be available first week of january. i was supposed to write about this when i received the final notice that it was included in the book, a couple of months ago. understandably, i didn’t really believe it until i got my complimentary copies in the mail today. yeah, because sometimes, i’m a paranoid, insecure person like that.

anyway, they told me they had the right to edit it. i don’t remember if they ever sent me a final edited version. if they did, i probably didn’t pay attention to it, which i wish now that i did, because i would have told them not to change what they changed. yeah, because sometimes, i’m an arrogant person like that.

they made three changes. first was on a line where i wrote “i’m sorry…i’m scared” they added the line “i told her” after it. this made it mean/sound i was the one who said those words, but the truth is, it was the patient who said it, she was one who was scared, that’s why i wrote it like that. i don’t know why they edited it like that, but what do i know about editing or publishing? the second change was, in the sentence “it was 1 in the morning” they added AM after 1, making  the line “it was 1 AM in the morning”. that obviously made the line redundant if you ask me, but as i said, what do i know? the last was, they changed the last two paragraphs to italics.

i guess what i’m saying is, the first two edits/changes made me a little unhappy, but the bigger picture is this: for somebody like me, who has been pretending and unrealistically dreaming to be a writer for as long as i can remember, it felt undescribably great to be a part of this book. even if it’s just a very very tiny part. that explains why i’m kind of making a big deal out of it, even if for others, it’s really nothing significant.

well, for a post that triggered ambiguity, this has been lengthy. the major thing i want you guys to know, is that i am deleting the post before the book comes out, due to contract issues. i feel it’s quite rude to do that without telling you, because some of you commented on it.

by deleting it, i feel like i’m deleting your thoughts as well, and i feel bad doing that without letting you know. so, this is to say thank you for your comments, and i apologize that i have to delete it, i kind of do not have a choice really. 

for your understanding, thank you!

_____________________

also, hats off to keith from digital doorway and emily from crzegrl, flight nurse fellow bloggers i “know” whose stories were also included in the book.

to those who celebrate christmas as a religious occasion, i want to extend my wishes to you and your family……merry christmas! as you celebrate, i wish that you find meaning beyond the festivities and gatherings. i hope that you find joy and peace amidst chaos and exhaustion. may God bless you!

to those who don’t believe in the religious reason for the celebration, i also wish you joy and peace as you enjoy your days off! happy holidays!

i’m working tonight and tomorrow nigh, (24th and 25th) that’s why i posted this quick greeting now.

we all know how it’s gonna be at work, so just cross your fingers with me that nobody will eat to the point of passing out because that vision not only looks ugly, it would be kind of embarassing too.

thanks for a whole year of blogging fun and interactions, i appreciate the fact that you spend time reading my thoughts. i appreciate it more than you know. so again, thank you!

“see” you next year guys!

she probably thought it was just a gastric bypass gone bad.
you know, the usual story.
it wasn’t.
it’s cancer.
and it has metastasized.

she probably thought it was gone, the cancer.
most of her intestines are gone anyway, what else?
well, it looked like it has come back, and this time, there is no telling what comes next.
except it’s certainly worse.

apparently, he was trying to steal a car.
the police was going to arrest him, and at the “perfect” moment, he seized.
he seized, fell on the ground, and woke up feeling desperately worthless,
he kept saying he wanted to kill himself,
or die.
either. or.
just vanish.

i’m not sure if i went to work already carrying that aura of the periodic bout of feeling blah then my three patients made my emotional/psychological situation worse. or, if i was upbeat and optimistic when i was on my way to work, then my three patients’ situations changed my mood from good to worst.

what i know now is that the last night i worked a couple of days ago was a pointlessly depressing one that i ended up counting down the hours till my shift ended, minute by minute. i went through the motions with a heavy invisible thing hanging over my shoulders, and it was horrible. annoyingly horrible.

this is not really something new, but i guess my question is…

when will smart people invent the proverbial “instant happy pill”? the one that you take in your purse, pop in your mouth when you are faced with that sense of gloom and doom that even laughters and friends can’t erase? the one magic pill that instantly cures and lifts the fog. how long are we going to wait for that?

the wait should be over,
because it has been very tiring.