this blog triggered emotional ambiguity. to post or not to post it, that has been the question.
on the one hand, i really don’t feel like i should make a big deal out of it, and just keep quiet about it, but on the other hand, i feel obligated to inform you since you have been a part of it indirectly. also, there was a certain high when i held the book for the first time, and saw my name under one of the stories, that it would be a lie if i’ll say i wasn’t excited about this, even for a second. of course, i have to share it.
a few months ago, i was contacted by one of the kaplan people to submit a story. the first email was specifically requesting me to elaborate one of the posts i wrote about a doctor, which they thought would be good for the book “reflections on doctors”. i declined because that particular post was written out of anger and i told them i didn’t want it to be out there, because that doesn’t really reflect the majority of my experiences with doctors.
later, i received another email requesting me to submit a story about death and dying. being an insecured pessimist that i am when it comes to my writing, i didn’t really have the energy to deal with rejection, so i emailed back that i was lazy to write something, but if they are interested, i can send them links to posts i previously written that focused on death and dying. truth was, even when i signed the contract, i still thought it was all a joke, some kind of a prank that some idle people were heartlessly doing to unsuspecting dreamy fools like me.
to make the long story short, they decided to include this story. it is on page 31 of the book “final moments”, which will be available first week of january. i was supposed to write about this when i received the final notice that it was included in the book, a couple of months ago. understandably, i didn’t really believe it until i got my complimentary copies in the mail today. yeah, because sometimes, i’m a paranoid, insecure person like that.
anyway, they told me they had the right to edit it. i don’t remember if they ever sent me a final edited version. if they did, i probably didn’t pay attention to it, which i wish now that i did, because i would have told them not to change what they changed. yeah, because sometimes, i’m an arrogant person like that.
they made three changes. first was on a line where i wrote “i’m sorry…i’m scared” they added the line “i told her” after it. this made it mean/sound i was the one who said those words, but the truth is, it was the patient who said it, she was one who was scared, that’s why i wrote it like that. i don’t know why they edited it like that, but what do i know about editing or publishing? the second change was, in the sentence “it was 1 in the morning” they added AM after 1, making the line “it was 1 AM in the morning”. that obviously made the line redundant if you ask me, but as i said, what do i know? the last was, they changed the last two paragraphs to italics.
i guess what i’m saying is, the first two edits/changes made me a little unhappy, but the bigger picture is this: for somebody like me, who has been pretending and unrealistically dreaming to be a writer for as long as i can remember, it felt undescribably great to be a part of this book. even if it’s just a very very tiny part. that explains why i’m kind of making a big deal out of it, even if for others, it’s really nothing significant.
well, for a post that triggered ambiguity, this has been lengthy. the major thing i want you guys to know, is that i am deleting the post before the book comes out, due to contract issues. i feel it’s quite rude to do that without telling you, because some of you commented on it.
by deleting it, i feel like i’m deleting your thoughts as well, and i feel bad doing that without letting you know. so, this is to say thank you for your comments, and i apologize that i have to delete it, i kind of do not have a choice really.
for your understanding, thank you!
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also, hats off to keith from digital doorway and emily from crzegrl, flight nurse fellow bloggers i “know” whose stories were also included in the book.